Erin

Crime and Punishment:


Raskolnikov’s burning and intent gaze seemed to keep growing stronger, pierced into his consciousness and into his soul. All of a sudden Razumikhin shuddered. Something strange seemed to have passed between them… an idea had slipped through, a kind of hint; something terrible, hideous, suddenly understood on both sides… Razumikhin turned pale as a corpse.
‘Now do you understand?’ Raskolnikov said suddenly… (300)

1)This week i have to cat-sit for my neighbors. I hate cleaning litter boxes! The worst part is that one of the cats is 18 and has cancer. She might die in my care. She was such a sweet kitty too.

2)Work started Tuesday. I am a trip counsellor for a camp of 5-7 year olds. I was surprised at how good they are! There is one boy named Mitchell who is soo cute. Now if he could just learn to keep his hands to himself!

3)Wendsday I went to see my ear doctor, and i have returned with good news! After years of ear infections, skin cists that threated to cause brain damage, and four surgeries withen the last five years, my ear is finnaly healed! My hearing has returned and I can now swim under water.

4) The bad news of this day was that I found out a math teacher at my school died. He had cancer and had been fighting it all year long. Not only was he a great math teacher, but he has little children that go to my dance studio. I can't imagin what the family is going through right now. So many good people that i've know have died from cancer. My grammy, my firends 12 year old sister... the list goes on. It always seems to be the nicest people that fall victum to it.

Hopfully tonights art class can cheer me up:)

Recent highlights:

1) June 23d was the Modest Mouse concert. It was awesome, but being alone with only one other friend outside of the State theatre at midnight was not. Sketchy guys in vans gave us strange looks...

2) I went to PortCon Saturday night for the dance thingy. Peter and Tim are officially my heros!

3) I start my first job tomarow! I'm a trip counselor for one of the camps so i get to go to the beach with a bunch of little kids. It doesn't pay that well though.

4) I made a new friend! I need more friends outside of school...

... it's still here! its still working! *hugs journal* I shall never abandon you again!!!!!!!!

List of evils:
1)dots
2)pop up ads
3)my inability to spell(i apologize for that)
4)standardized testing

... I thought i was a geek. Now i am not so sure. Oh well.

I want to be alone
just to sit and dream of home
a place i've never been
a place i've only drempt

and i want them all to go
and i want them to leave me alone
except for one i see
to stay while i bleed

a face my fingures cannot touch
yet my arms must embrace
just someone to understand
and put a smile on my face

and so i sit still
this place a faceless face
just wanting to be heard
a cry for help, a flightless bird

but i fly on invisible wings
unable to touch thoses things
sitting in my place
looking out at all the space
-3/21/04

durring these quiet hours
i close my heavy eyes
just to block out all the world
their prying eyes

from their gaze i hide
they who do not see me
from their words i hide
their thoughts annoy me

and i wonder ot myself
i am smart and i am kind
my blue eyes sparkle
i am never left behind

so why am i sad, why so alone?
where is my confidence,
my guide to peace thus known

and my restless soul now quivers
with every unshed tear
for which i have no reasons
just this that's insecure.
-3/20/04 MP

So, today in study hall between writing bored all over the paper I suddenly realized how boreing my life was... This was a problem. I then relized that even though I went to a christain camp last summer I met someone who had almost died several times in gang fights. I got a detailed discription of each and even got to see the scars. I also got to meet someone who ended up going through withdrawl (Yeah I can't spell. I blame this on my elementary teachers). Anyways, it wasn't pretty. This lead me to relize that who needs an exciting life when you get to watch everyone else go through it? (The guys from our group went streaking too. Of all the palces, at the christain camp i probably had my most unchristian expeariences...)

the sounds! they're so sharp and clear, and it will only get better! No more surgeries! I might even be able to swim under water again!

It was yesterday, monday, and today i feel really icky. I'm suprised i even feel well enough to complain about it.

Yes, I lost it. It's gone. Lost and never to be found. I don't know why i still care, but i do. Life is just like that i guess.

IT IS SNOWING! It's not that cold though. I hope it doesn't crust over, and that we can going sking tomarow.

it was like 8 degrees outside this morning, and there's supposed to be a snow storm this weekend! SNOW! A FOOT OF SNOW! JOY! i'm going to go sking and, and... SNOW! tis the first storm of the season! FLUFFY SNOW!

Funny, when there is a really good thing worth putting in this journal, i am to busy enjoying it to put it in the journal. When i am down, and it is something worth putting in this journal, i write about it so i can stop thinking about it. The world must see me as a pretty depressing person. WELL I'M NOT! Life is good, i have a book to read, i got all a's again... and I am bored. (couldn't help but put the negative thingy in...you know, keeping things consistant)

... this may sound like i'm just complaning, but my thoughts go deeper than that. I wish that people could understand me. I mean more like if they could see how i thought, and who i really was without making judgments about me. People think i am shy and boring but i just don't talk a lot. I wish there were a way to express concepts, or that there was a mutuall understanding between certain people that did not require oral communication. Half the time i want to say something, the english language causes others to interpert it differently. I make no sence. I'm a listener, not a talker...
I need to my myself a listener.

Mha ha ha ha ha! Run from me! Now that i have your attention, i have nothing important to say... Except i'm getting a 98 in spanish! Take that grammer! speaking of grammer anyone want to explain the difference between a preposition and a conjunction? I'm getting all a's and i don't know my parts of speech!

I get to have another... yes! that's right, ear surgery! I'm not just talking tubes here, I mean extensive reconstructive ear surgery! Nothing seems to be going my way, i am in need of an uplifting momment.

Mabey my feelings are invisable... so that everyone thinks they can walk all over me or something. Mabey I should just sit in a corner or something. Life is so fustrating. I can't even spell fustrating! Then there are the happy things when I make someone feel better.
I got my permit yeasterday, and I also went driving. I almost got into an accident, after passing a tractor on a very busy high way. Of course it only happened when I was driving in a standard for the very first time.

I drove at 65 mph today, and I parallel parked! Four more hours of driving and I can get my permit!

I feel like crap! Anyways, I get to drive again Thursday. I am so sick of doing the same lazy things that I am actually happy that school is starting soon. Also, I have to drive down to Boston to have my ear checked out again. I guess I have another sist growing in there again. If that's the case, it will be four operations and counting. People don't realise how much this ear has taken away from me. Between that and my allegies I can't have a life.